Living for free?

I am living in an apartment for free, all my stuffs are provided by my parents, fuck, I am blessed yet I always take that for granted.

I remember the time when I spent my summer working at grandma's place. She woke me up at dawn everyday yet she doesn't have an alarm clock. She boils water and make coffee or milk or something hot choco paired with fresh bread or biscuits. Then the day starts, manual labor from sun up to sun down. Really, everything you put in your mouth is from your labor. Everything. I am thankful that she owns a store and those candies makes me sane. I almost lost my mind there. I feel so weak, so weak, so stupid, all those knowledge from books are shit. You must do it, learn fast, think fast. Survive. My perception of reality just shatters. Here is a boy growing with a weak body and you place him in a Cordilleran jungle. He will die, that is guaranteed. So what should he do, atleast a preparation for this situation? Law of the jungle: there are no law. Do everything to survive. Be physically tough and strong. Be mentally resilient and sharp. Have a group of friends at your side in times of need. Give in return. Learn how to plant, fish, raise livestock, defend. Really do all the heavy lifting, and just work hard, work hard, because this life is tough, work long, work hard, work smart. Do whatever it is in your power to be well fed, to be safe, to be rich. There are many parasites, many chameleons, many bitches, sucking up, soaking up with that hard earned wealth. What is wealth anyway? Wealth is knowledge, wealth is produced, wealth is valued. Those three are essential behaviour of wealth.

Wealth is energy. A trade is basically a transfer of energy from one source to another. A value of one man to another. In reality, any physically healthy individual is wealthy in while just like a healthy pig. They are stupid but you know their value and what you want to do is to capitalize with that little intellect and tap on their youth energy for your benefit. Want sex? Hire bitches. Want a house? Hire freshly grad engineers, plumbers, electrician, and chief engineer to overrule or you just manage them all. You need stupid strong men to be on your side as security and to signal them to be better do shit or they will be killed. Want pure economics? Yeah, but, in the dark side. You exploit their energy, time, body, but in exchange you have them a purpose in their stupid life. They believe in religion? Exploit that stupidity. They believe in culture? Fuck that. How about education? They don't understand math, use this against the common sheep.

The people use their stomach and genitals as their brain and nothing more satisfying than to see them work them that way. They raise children then expect the children to take care of them when they got old. The children are spoiled and the parents are exploited. What the fuck life is that? People work hard for the wrong purpose and children love their parents for the wrong purpose just because of their very nature. Food and sex, food and sex.

Am I not included?

What will be my motivation beyond food and sex? If ever I'll be successful being wealthy? Will this satisfy me? How about the pursuit of excellence? This is what's happening, I'll do intellectual works yet I am expecting an incentive about the works I am working on. Wait a minute, is that is an incentive? Working because I have something to get from it, is that right. It makes sense because it's intuitive for man to take a venture of positive returns because the results guarantee his chances of survival, so going off tangent with human nature is rather difficult and I better do as my inclinations dictate.

So if this is the case, no matter how idealistic of perfect wife, wealth, health, power, influence, this in not perfect for perfection follows not the path but of the container. Let perfection suit you, not the other way around. So that makes sense, there is no golden standard, there is a waste standard, dynamically changing, no good or bad, I could stare at a girl without feeling guilty and shit, I could masturbate on my sexy neighbor. But stop. That's when we get to the second template of this puzzle: self respect.

Eventhough you choose your path, take the path that will yield the finest fruit. If you spend your time on porn this will eventually ruin you. Just stop.

Zinc supplements for all nighter.

I have a hard time getting to sleep last night despite sleeping around two a.m. the night before.

It could be the zinc supplement, it could be my arousal levels (caused by gaming/ porn), it could be the food.

Whatever the answer is, my mind is so sound, that it comes to a point that it feels uneasy anymore that my unconscious response was to jerk of to normalize to my default mode.

I found this to be profound. I myself is uncomfortable to change, that I recoil myself back to my shell.

There's a hidden fear of the unknown.

Well, I'm thankful I have known about this personality of mine. Mutate or die.

This also explains why despite arousing myself visually and physically, my body just is not in the mood. Or was it of zinc deficiency? Right now I will observe what will be in the succeeding days.

The Talk

No I don't want to have a title. Ok I think I will write on auto mode. No thoughts. No thoughts. So what am I thinking right now. Don't let loose the horses. Own your mind you idiot. Don't let it be on it's own. You are the master. I am the master. We should be helping each other to be better doing our duty? What is our duty? I have no idea. Wait. We must be a good student, a son, an elder brother, a citizen, an Igorot, a Filipino, a college student, a man, a leader. Remember that you hold the family's totem. You are the symbol of the family. Own it. It is yours. But Krishna said I should not get attached to anything? Yes he said that, what I am telling you was that was your responsibility, a load to carry on on this life. You are also an engineering student. That means you should be able to solve solutions the best way possible. You should not be alone with this. There are many many people who are willing to help you in times of need, if God is seeing that your need was for the sake of your duty to your fellow men, then why should he say otherwise? Listen you are getting weak. It is starting again that downward spiral to death. What should I do? Stop doing nonsense, stop thinking nonsense. Then what should I think? Think of the technical matters, master it, teach it to the world. Even if the problem is irrelevant to you, it is your responsibility as an engineer, yes, you are an engineer, there is no doubt about that. What is the engineer good at? An engineer is a manager of people, a tribesmen, a inquired, an organizer of brains and brawns to beat whatever thing that needs to be done? Like what? Making everyone rich. Making everyone wealthy in mind and in material way, also the social network of individuals. You should know who are the best people to work with the best people. How do laymen think? How do women think? How do strong men? How do rich people think? How about the intellectuals? How about the pragmatics? You know that there are men which in one or another being dominated by either of the three modes. The honest, the dishonest, and the apathy. If you know of these three you can able to fully comprehend which is the best for a certain task. The world has many many people Charles, lots and lots of people. It's your job to mine them. Who they are. What do you want to do. Because if you are a man with direction, people will believe you no matter how intellectually, financially, superior to you. Have a vision Charles, you can achieve any project. You envision all the families in the Philippines  to be in wealth right? You see everybody has a nice home, the sun is shining on the adobe of your kinsman, there is laughter, joy, peace, wealth, everyone is intelligent, everyone is a learned man, the education has many many ways and the men are strong, the women are beautiful and modest, the children are healthy, they worship their own God minus a single dogma, a single book, everyone is following their conscience, everyone is conscious. But what if the leela of the Lord takes place? Well at least we have an ideal, that is the ideal? Live in wealth? Yes live in wealth in a simple neighborhood, knowledge and experience are much valuable than gold and computers. See the objects as a medium, heck everything is a medium. To where? To whom? I don't know. It depends where a man wants to go. Where do want to go? India? I have no idea. What do want to accomplish? I just takes occupation where the mind takes me to. Do you believe in education? Sure it changes my perspective to the world? Is that a good or a bad way? I don't know, it depends on the situation. I can compare that. What else do you want to say? Yeah it's much better to type here in the phone than typing it in the keyboard because there's an autocorrect intelligent design, whatever that means. So anything you want to add? I guess I'll need to do any homework then? Maybe I'll just write until I have nothing juice in my head or when my hand will be tired or any external force let pause this activity.

Let's talk about porn, what is porn, porn is the media in which female and male are naked and the genitals are in each others genital. What do you want to add to add. When you see it as it is, there is no problem. But when you see it with what you want to see it, then you became intoxicated with your thoughts. That's it the mind is the criminal. The eyes are the criminal, the ears are the criminal. What should we do about it? I don't know, just let the porn industry be close to the young minds of the society and let the adults be the major audience.

Anymore to add, Charles? Yeah I think that's what's in my head this time, I'm drop off when I have more to share.

Reddit? Read? Exercise? You must do Charles, do! Okay, I think I 'll do push-up.

Don't waste your youth! This is the best time to invest in yourself. Physically be strong, mentally be sharp, spiritually be straight. Do your duty. Be in the present. Don't be sucked in by the media. BE IN THE PRESENT CHARLES. THIS IS A HEED AND WARNING, A BLESSING AND A CURSE WHATEVER THAT IS DO YOUR DUTY.

YES I SHALL DO MY DUTY WITHOUT THINKING OF THE BENEFIT. SCIENCE CAN MAKE THINGS MORE CERTAIN BUT NOT A GUARANTEE.

FIRE, I'm thinking of fire. They said it is the purest element. I have to agree. It is the purest element, a soul.

Thinking about the present, I don't have any motivation to do something earthly anymore, I think that would hurt my present. Why are you thinking this way O arrow of God, this should not become of you.

Yes I should banish all doubts in my mind and be on the process not in the output. Know when to and when not. Do your job. Now that's too repetitive. Is there any else? Be strong, be strong, be of a reliable knowledge. Don't be the leader who leads of blind knowledge. Should be the leader play as a banner of the group so that they will be on one set of thinking and not be a scatter-brain? Yes you're right. I think you nailed it, yes the leader should be in the present and be the one who organizes the minds of its members, the leader is not of superior to the members but a hierarchical symbol of the group. What happens to a leaderless group? A leaderless group will be like a loose stallion, without binds, without a master, it will be a waste. Strong forces should be mastered no matter how deemed dangerous it is. It should be mastered.

Typhoons? That is a great energy generator that can't be viewed as waste. Landslides and floods are the by product of those great wind. How then use typhoons? How to use the "wrath" of mother earth for mankind's benefit? A change of mind, inquirer, a change of mind. A change of mind? Yes, when man see things as it is, illusions get out of the way and the nature of things will come out of the light.

Sunlight if very precious. Golden wealth freely in your door every day. This is the sight of God, water of the above.

In case for you, a student, your understanding, consistency, communication, neatness, simplicity, courtesy, cleanliness, self respect, self-criticism, believe in a God, those are the good qualities of a student. Who is good student? The one who exceeds the capabilities of his teacher, that is good student. Who is a good son? One who defeats his father. Who is a leader? One who himself is knowledgeable and disciplined in all his undertaking.

Should I speak in simple words? What are words really are medium of communication, whatever words you say as long as you mind understood it, it is the perfect word.

Thank you, my mind has been purified with this conversation with you, I SHALL drop a visit once in a while.